To my knowledge, the sketch has been performed 7 times on SNL
First appearing with Helen Mirren- April 9th, 2011
Ben Stiller- October 8, 2011
Eli Manning- May 5th 2012
SNL Weekend Update Thursday- September 20, 2012
Louis CK- November 3, 2012
Christoph Waltz -February 16, 2013
Zach Galifianakis- May 4, 2013
April 9th, 2011 –Helen Mirren
"President Barack Obama’s middle name is not ‘Danger’.
First Lady Michelle Obama was born in Illinois, to human parents.
'The first trimester' refers to a stage of pregnancy. It is not a Tom Clancy novel.
Libya is a country in Africa. It is not part of Saudi Arabia.
Singer Rebecca Black’s song ‘Friday’ refers to a day of the week. Not the Chris Tucker movie.
The American flag does not have an eagle on it. Nor is President Ronald Reagan’s picture on it.
Hawaii is part of America. Hawaiians are not of Arabic descent.
Lil Wayne is a popular hip hop artist. He has never toured with Wayne Newton. Nor does Wayne Newton have a dwarf brother.
Apples are not vegetables. They are also not grown in Kenya.
Most scallops are edible and safe when cooked.
'Jai Lai' is a sport played in Florida. It is not known if the activity is preferred by Mexican drug cartels.
Bruno Mars is an American pop singer. He lives on Earth. He has never been indicted or convicted of organ trafficking.
Green is a color.
Moamar Quaddaffi is President of the country of Libya. He has never driven a taxi for a living.
Ronald Reagan did not create the lottery. Nor did he invent casual Fridays.
Jane Fonda lives in America. She has never been photographed with Osama Bin Laden.
There is no, nor are there any plans for, a ‘Six Flags Baghdad.’
The Federal Food Stamp program was not created by Karl Marx.”
Egypt has never had a mummy President.
Your sexuality is not determined by your blood type. Nor is it determined by your enthusiasm about the songs of Lionel Ritchie.
It is not possible to catch AIDS by having a beard.
The state of Massachusetts has never mandated that Mohammed be put next to Jesus in Christmas nativity scenes.
The sun is not made of ‘hot gravy’. It is actually made up of several gasses.
Cell phones do not cause Chlamydia.
Filmmaker Michael Moore has never shut down the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade.
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas never fought in World War II. Nor was he ever given the ‘Congressional Medal of Truth.’ There is no such medal as the ‘Congressional Medal of Truth.’
A baby can only be created by sperm and an egg. A homosexual cannot create a baby using trickery and the Internet.
Americans landed on the moon in 1969. This was part of the NASA space program and not to ‘get away from hippies.’
No one has ever eaten a pizza with their butt.
Former President Bill Clinton had nothing to do with the Rebecca Black video “Friday.’” ]
October 8th, 2011- Ben Stiller
"The second president of the United States was John Quincy Adams, not Sam Adams summer Ale.
A movie and motion picture are the same thing.
Juice is a drinkable substance.
There are seven continents not one thousand.
The “West Memphis Three” is not a jazz quartet.
America is not currently under a “level 9 liberty alert”. There is no such thing as a “level 9 liberty alert.”
Presidential dog “Bo” Obama does not collect social security checks, nor is he an undocumented Peruvian housekeeper in disguise.
Julie Andrews is an award winning British actress. She has never been on trial for kidnapping.
Windows are typically made of glass
President Obama did not pardon Carmen Sandiego
Flu shots prevent influenza and have nothing to do with getting into heaven
Nancy Pelosi did not appear on an episode of River Monsters
There is not now, nor has there ever been a plan to air-consition the Grand Canyon
Herman Cain did not invent Pizza.
Christopher Columbus sailed to what is now the modern day United States in an effort to find a trade route to the West Indies. Not to flee the dragons.
No Transformers have ever been found on the moon.
Flo from the progressive Insurance ads is a living human being, not the ghost of a Civil War widow.
Africa is widely regarded to be the origin of the human specieis. It was not “discovered only a handful of years ago.”
The Jewish Holiday just celebrated was Rosh Hashanah not Rush Hot Bananas.
Nicholas Cage did not sign the Declaration of Independence.
There is no known connection between the Oklahoma City Bombing and The Bay City Rollers
Electric cars are not powered by electric eagles.
Carrying a child in a Baby Bjorn does not cause homsexuality, in the child or the adult.
The Washington Monument was not named after Denzel Washington. Nor was it named after the Washington Redskins.
The Pope does not hold a world record in speed skating.
Abraham Lincoln is not alive and living in Amish, Pennsylvania. There is no such place as Amish, Pennsylvania.
Mount Rushmore does not include the face of Spiderman.
There are indeed several laws that prohibit pointing a gun at a mail carrier.
Pocahontas was not named after a stripper.
Vermont still exists.
There is currently no bill before the house that would mandate the eating of flan on Thanksgiving.
Mary Magdalene was not eaten by a dinosaur.
General Tso did not win the Civil War for the Confederacy.
Rick Perry was not a contestant on “The Amazing Race” nor was he the winner of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge
"Time in a Bottle" was never the national anthem.
Whole Foods does not povide free abortions.” ]
May 5th 2012 – eli manning
"There are currently no bills before the House that would require women to have a transvaginal ultrasound before buying sunglasses.
The Taliban is not producing cereal called “Honey Bunches of Goats.”
Kirk Cameron is not the voice of Siri.
Miss America is not third in the order of succession for the Presidency, nor is Miss Teen USA fourth.
Airplanes do not fly by flapping their wings.
Patricia Heaton did not win a Nobel Prize for her work on “Everybody Loves Raymond.”
Hail consists of frozen water; it is not “made of sins.”
President Barack Obama does not plan to take the “forwarding” option away from email.
Disney World is not planning to add Rush Limbaugh to their Hall of Presidents.
Nowhere in the Bible does it mention Garth Brooks or Chris Gaines.
Turtles do not have “tiny TVs and sofa beds” inside their shells.
Pete Rose did not receive a lifetime ban from the Hallmark Hall of Fame.
"National Treasure" is a not a documentary even though it feels very real.
Wisconsin is an American state and not “just a bit.”
Mormons breathe air.
Horses do not have “teeth so sharp you wouldn’t believe it.”
Children raised by same-sex couples are not statistically more likely to let the American flag touch the ground.
"Psych" is a popular detective show on the USA Network, not a super-secret NASA Mind Experiment.
It takes more than five to six months of medical school to become a surgeon.
Sour Patch Kids are a snack food and therefore physically incapable of pulling a knife on someone.
Congress has not declared a “War on Jean Shorts.”
It is unlikely that Fareed Zakaria is Willem Defoe in character.
Babies tend to like hugs.
It is not illegal to discard a Christmas tree.
John Wilkes Booth was not wearing a hooded sweatshirt when he shot President Lincoln, nor were the Lincolns attending a staging of “The Vagina Monologues.”
There is no federal program called “Cash for Bees.”
You do not need a spaceship to get to China.
The Watergate is a hotel in Washington D.C., not a portal to an undersea kingdom.
Yellow and blue make green, not “blellow.”
The new World Trade Center does not transform into a karate robot.
Seeing-eye dogs are neither able to nor allowed to drive.
It is likely that immigrants do not feed on the blood of our cattle at night while we are all sleeping.
Baseball is a land sport.
It is widely accepted that ears are used for hearing.” ]
September 20 2012
The Bible was not a movie first.
Stalactites is not a childhood disease.
Iowa City never elected Mayor McCheese.
Allegra is not a religion.
Jeremy Lin was traded, not deported.
The sun and the moon do not high-five as they pass each other.
Vaginas don’t look like that
A dead person’s skull does not contain their memories.
Ron Paul is one person.
Not all cats are gay.
The Atlanta Hawks are a team, not an infestation.
Ellen Degeneres never married a car.
Benedict Arnold was not a character on Diff’rent Strokes.
A wind turbine has never cut off the head of a pretty girl in a convertible.
The Tasmanian Devil is not the president of Tasmania.
Star Wars is essentially a work of fiction.
Al Gore never claimed to invent Nintendo.
Hawaii does not rotate every six months.
Neil Armstrong was not the first person to moon someone.
The Keystone Pipeline is not filled with Keystone Light.
Swiss banks are not “full of holes.”
Camp David does not have a sister camp called Camp Denise.
Oogielovie is not a sexually transmitted disease.
They did not make Mars after the Mars Rover.
Monica Lewinsky was never in an internment camp.
Six comes after five.
Kim Jong-Un is not the CEO of Yahoo.
Left-handed people cannot read your thoughts.
Lobsters are not “ocean spiders.”
Cat Fancy is a magazine, not a man/cat dating website.
The U.S. Postal Service never released a Kesha stamp.
“F” is not a blood type.
Parsley is not one of the Spice Girls.
Usain Bolt is not a new action movie starring John C. Reilly.
Libor is not a giant praying mantis.
Old Navy is not one of the armed forces.
The letters in “Massachusetts” cannot be rearranged to spell “same sex marriage.”
Crabs don’t breastfeed.
Animal Planet is not an acceptable nickname for Telemundo.
Marco Rubio does not play for the Timberwolves.
Al Jazeera is not the co-host of “Tool Time.”
Babies never “skip ahead” to being 10.
Angela Merkel is not a palindrome.
You can’t outrun polio.
The Negro League is not “back and better than ever.”
Latin inches is not the Mexican metric system.
The Russian national anthem is not the U.S. national anthem played backwards.
Rocky never fought Lassie.
Nov 4 2012
Transitions lenses do not reverse the gender of your eyes.
Sandy Duncan did not “sponsor” the hurricane.
There are many black people, not just one who is a master of disguise.
Brian Kilmeade did not invent the term “smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.”
Not all pigs are born with human feet.
Angela Merkel is not the female version of Steve Urkel.
It is permissible to say the word “Mexican” on television.
There is no celebrity named Rape Romano.
Condoms work every day of the week. Not just Tuesdays.
Trees do not have bones.
There are a finite number of people in China.
Burritos are not “male tacos.”
The Constitution is a living document, but it cannot walk around.
Chef Boyardee is not the Prime Minister of Italy. He is the Vice President.
Paul Ryan is not faster than a cheetah.
FEMA is not slang for female.
Many Hispanics own their own cars.
The Statue of Liberty was not a gift from Santa.
At no point has Dorf been the number one golfer in the world.
Lance Armstrong did not trade a testicle for steroids.
Michael J. Fox does not have “multiple sandwiches.”
Apple Maps is not a map showing where the apples are.
8 is a multiple of 4.
Women’s vaginas are below their waists.
“Kris Krostie” is not Chris Christie with his pants on backwards.
Afi Komen was never the U.N. Secretary General.
Haitian does not mean “half-Asian.”
Last Wednesday was Halloween. Not a “ghost invasion.”
Mr. Met has never announced a preference for any religion over the other.
Chef Boyardee is not the Vice President of Italy.
Fox and Friends Feb 17 2013
At no time did our military fight a war against Cobra.
The “T” in BLT does not stand for “terrorism.”
Meteors are not coming to take your guns.
It is not Roe vs. Dwayne Wade.
Zero Dark Thirty is not a diet soda.
The Vatican is not accessible through a wardrobe.
Food stamps are not used to mail food.
Armadillo is not Spanish for “arms dealer.”
Navy Seals are not actual seals with laser beams on their heads.
“That’s not a knife, this is a knife” is not the Australian National Anthem.
At no time did the passengers on the Carnival Cruise ship become zombies.
Beyonce cannot hypnotize animals.
“Adele” is a singer. “A Dell” is a computer.
February is a month.
Marco Rubio did not bring pasta back from China.
The Staten Island Ferry will not give you money for teeth.
The real Abraham Lincoln lived longer than 3 hours.
More people died from gun violence last year than from walking into elevator shafts.
The Constitution did not “write itself.”
Bruno Mars is from Earth.
There are no Americans in the Bible.
The tie goes to the runner.
Not all amputees kill their girlfriends.
Zumba is not a secret form of Santeria.
North Korea is not a Cloud City.
A “pin code” and a “pine cone” are two different things.
The kid on Modern Family did not start out in porn.
Joe Biden’s teeth are real and do not pick up radio waves.
Polar bears are rarely “asking for it.”
Kobe beef is not meat from the flesh of Kobe Bryant.
A “period piece” is not a movie that only plays during one week of the month.
Plants are alive, but they cannot watch TV.
A transgender is not a car that can be driven by men and women.
Kate Upton is not dating a glacier.
God does not sneeze electricity.
The similar names of the North Dakota and South Dakota are not a coincidence.
Even black people love Raymond.
Mumford’s daughters are not in foster care.
The chupacabra does not deliver presents on Cinco De Mayo.
President Obama does not want to take away T-shirt guns.
Most women have only two breasts.
The Memphis Grizzlies are not a gay blues band.
Scientology was not founded by I Ron Man.
Bangladesh is not an 80s metal band.
Peaking at ladies’ butts is not a background check.
Actual crows do have feet.
Pot pie is legal in every state.
The California wildfires are not a soccer team.
Jason Collins was not turned gay by a Washington Wizard.
The NRA is not a branch of government.
Foreign visas do not let Russian students go on shopping sprees.
Rick Moranis was never put on death row for shrinking his children.
New York exists outside the mind of Billy Joel.
A French press is not lifting weights with your tongue out.
Lena Dunham is not a girl ventriloquist.
Number 2 pencils are not sad that they lost.
Plan B birth control is not masturbating.
Justin Bieber and Anne Frank were not an item.
President Obama did not just wake up in Mexico.
F.A.A. does not stand for “Fart A**, A**”
Croquettes are not female crocodiles.
Kanye West is not an African American vacation destination.
Syria is not Arabic for “serious.”
Rice and beans are edible. Ricin beans are not.
Casual Friday is not in the Bill of Rights.
Sam Adams was not too drunk to sign the Constitution.
The Gitmo prisoners are not working on their beach bodies.
Force feeding is not how Jedi’s eat.
Kevin Costner does not live in Watertown.
Smurfs are not elected.
Smurfs are not appointed.
Smurfs are cartoons.
Aretha Franklin and Patti Labelle have been in the same room together.
Anytime minutes don’t let you call the future.
4 and 3 aren’t basically the same thing.
Rock beats scissors.
Zach Braff is not the sound a trumpet makes.
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